The Frustration of Having a Girlfriend With a Lifeproof iPhone Case (Satire)

LifeproofPardon me if this post seems incoherent at times.

I’ve been banging my head against the wall in my apartment each night for the past seven and a half months following try after try to talk with my girlfriend on the phone to simply say goodnight. I have sustained brain damage from these brutal blows to the head to the point where my doctor is starting to question whether I really am the Eric Decker that plays in the NFL or not.

You see, my girlfriend is great and all, but there is one, frustrating problem. I can barely hear her voice when we talk on the phone. In most relationships, maybe this is just a case of having poor cell phone reception or one person just speaks too softly.

My situation is special though. This one problem is because of her Lifeproof brand phone case. You know, the one you can go shark cage diving with or drop off the Sears Tower (Yes, the Sears Tower.) and still have a fully functioning phone.

One small issue with this great of a phone case though. It’s a little too great.

It took the both of us a while to realize this though. At first during our conversations, I could hear her just fine. Sure, her voice would sound a little muffled, but I could still make out what she was saying all right.

But then …

Her sentences would get cut off halfway through. Exhibit A:

“So today I was walking down Wisconsin Avenue … *muffled-ness/mostly silence* … hahaha!”

Me: “Yeahhh … that’s hilarious!” *What did she just say?!*

(Cue all and every bad-boyfriend-who-doesn’t-listen jokes.)

After realizing I couldn’t get away with pretending to hear 100 percent of what my girlfriend was saying, I had to ask her to repeat herself as though I merely misheard her from a loss in concentration or maybe because she was mumbling.

After several months, it was time to put on my detective cap and get to the bottom of this. At first, we both thought her phone was just messed up. Then we thought, why not try taking this Lifeproof case off and see what happens.

So after SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS of struggling through phone conversations, a few days ago, we tried talking on the phone with her Lifeproof case off. The results:

HER SWEET VOICE WAS CRYSTAL CLEAR. IT WAS LIKE LISTENING TO BIRDS CHIRP WHILE WATCHING A BEAMING SUNRISE. MY EYES OPENED WIDER THAN THE HOOVER DAM. IT WAS LIKE HEARING HER VOICE FOR THE FIRST TIME. TECHNOLOGY REALLY IS SOMETHING.

Making the discovery that my girlfriend’s Lifeproof phone case was the cause of this predicament was life changing to say the least. Suddenly and emphatically, the frustration of talking with my girlfriend on the phone was gone.

I think our relationship is going to survive at least another seven and a half months. Everything will be perfect. Nicholas Sparks will write novels based off these next seven and a half months. Guaranteed.

That and E! will create a show featuring bruised relationships caused by Lifeproof iPhone cases with my girlfriend and I as the co-hosts.

Get your popcorn ready, America!

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