The Frustration of Having a Girlfriend With a Lifeproof iPhone Case (Satire)

LifeproofPardon me if this post seems incoherent at times.

I’ve been banging my head against the wall in my apartment each night for the past seven and a half months following try after try to talk with my girlfriend on the phone to simply say goodnight. I have sustained brain damage from these brutal blows to the head to the point where my doctor is starting to question whether I really am the Eric Decker that plays in the NFL or not.

You see, my girlfriend is great and all, but there is one, frustrating problem. I can barely hear her voice when we talk on the phone. In most relationships, maybe this is just a case of having poor cell phone reception or one person just speaks too softly.

My situation is special though. This one problem is because of her Lifeproof brand phone case. You know, the one you can go shark cage diving with or drop off the Sears Tower (Yes, the Sears Tower.) and still have a fully functioning phone.

One small issue with this great of a phone case though. It’s a little too great.

It took the both of us a while to realize this though. At first during our conversations, I could hear her just fine. Sure, her voice would sound a little muffled, but I could still make out what she was saying all right.

But then …

Her sentences would get cut off halfway through. Exhibit A:

“So today I was walking down Wisconsin Avenue … *muffled-ness/mostly silence* … hahaha!”

Me: “Yeahhh … that’s hilarious!” *What did she just say?!*

(Cue all and every bad-boyfriend-who-doesn’t-listen jokes.)

After realizing I couldn’t get away with pretending to hear 100 percent of what my girlfriend was saying, I had to ask her to repeat herself as though I merely misheard her from a loss in concentration or maybe because she was mumbling.

After several months, it was time to put on my detective cap and get to the bottom of this. At first, we both thought her phone was just messed up. Then we thought, why not try taking this Lifeproof case off and see what happens.

So after SEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS of struggling through phone conversations, a few days ago, we tried talking on the phone with her Lifeproof case off. The results:


Making the discovery that my girlfriend’s Lifeproof phone case was the cause of this predicament was life changing to say the least. Suddenly and emphatically, the frustration of talking with my girlfriend on the phone was gone.

I think our relationship is going to survive at least another seven and a half months. Everything will be perfect. Nicholas Sparks will write novels based off these next seven and a half months. Guaranteed.

That and E! will create a show featuring bruised relationships caused by Lifeproof iPhone cases with my girlfriend and I as the co-hosts.

Get your popcorn ready, America!


iPhones: Buying Them and Our Feelings

iphone-5c-all-colorsI recently upgraded my cell phone from the iPhone 4s to the iPhone 5c. My mom sent me a text one morning saying, “Hey Eric. You have a phone upgrade. You’re getting the iPhone 5c and I’m going to take your old iPhone.”

Speak not another word, Mom! I’m in. Let’s do it.

Leading up to the release of the iPhone 5c and its big brother, the 5s, I always had in mind I would go with the flashier, more expensive option (the 5s). When my mom told me I would be getting the 5c without having to pay a dime and that if I wanted the 5s I would have to pay the extra $100, my mind definitely became open to the 5c.

I have really enjoyed my iPhone 5c so far. When you take a deeper look at the specs of the iPhone 5c, it is (internally) the same phone as its predecessor, the iPhone 5. Its just cosmetically different. (I went with the blue one!) Essentially, the only upgrade the 5s is to the 5c is a faster processor, a better camera and the fingerprint security technology.

All of that for an extra $100? When the iPhone 5c is already a nice upgrade from my 4s? No thanks.

When you look at the facts of the 5c versus the 5s, I don’t think the 5s is worth the investment due to its lack of innovation.

However, the iPhone 5c seems to have a stigma around it as being a phone not worth spending less on. I’ve heard people say the 5c is “cheap” because the backing is made out of plastic and that the phone seems “cheap” because it costs only $99. Clearly, buying the more expensive iPhone 5s (and solely with it being an Apple product, in my opinion) gives consumers an elitist feeling over other individuals and their cell phone choices. (I know this isn’t true for everyone who buys the iPhone 5s, but it has to be for some people, right?)

Why is this? Why does “status” and our feelings associated with the products we desire affect our buying decisions? If you let your feelings go and look at the raw specs of what you’re getting with your money for a new iPhone, I think you’ll see its a no brainer the 5c is the phone you should go with. Just food for thought.

Oh, and if the colors of the 5c “aren’t your thing,” remind me what your previous iPhone looked like underneath the case that’s been blanketing it the past two years ….